Moleman's Epic Rap Battles 12: Poison Ivy Vs Audrey II
by MolemanNineThousand
Summary: With more of a storyline than you probably expected. See the video here: /watch?v n83eM1SnFhw


**VIDEO HERE: watch?v=n83eM1SnFhw**

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**MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES…**

**…Will not be shown tonight due to the fact that IT'S THE FREAKING APOCALYPSE! GIANT PLANTS ARE RAMPAGING ACROSS THE WORLD! IT'S LIKE _THE HAPPENING_, BUT LESS ABSURD. OOOOOH, THE HUMANITY AND ALL THE PEOPLE SCREAMING AND–**

**WAIT! WHO'S THAT? OVER THERE, RIGHT THERE! SOME STRANGE–LOOKING PERSON APPEARS TO BE APPROACHING THE LEADER OF THE PLANTS… WAIT… IS THAT… COULD IT BE… OH MY GOD, IT _IS_! IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GONNA BE HAVING A BATTLE AFTER ALL!**

**LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN…**

**_(Video is fast–rewound back to start)_**

**MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!**

**POISON IVY…**

**…VS…**

**…AUDREY II!**

**BEGIN!**

**Poison Ivy:**

The beautiful mistress of Earthly vegetation

Is here to pluck this demonic, alien abomination!

I've felt a great disturbance in the forces of nature;

Plants being given a bad name by an insidious creature

That maliciously spreads death, destruction and ruin.

That's why, just this once, I'm fighting for the humans!

I have positive goals; you're truly a bad seed.

I'm a hot, thorny rose; you're a hideous weed!

You're further from an actual plant than Biollante.

You shouldn't exist outside of tentacle Hentai,

Which this is _not_, so don't get grabby with those vines!

You and your brood are not, in any sense, "babies" of mine.

I'm an independent woman; you rely on stupid jerks

To make your cliched, shallow, implausible schemes work!

There's no focus group at work; my personally sending

You to Hell will be this battle's one, true and only ending!

I don't need a deus ex machina to uproot you, Junior,

And flush you back down into a Mushroom Kingdom sewer!

My Temptations are superior; your crude tricks won't affect me,

And when I destroy you, I won't even make it sexy!

What I'll do to you won't involve any type of kiss,

But will still leave your life force totally eclipsed!

I'll trim your appendages until they are but Stubbs,

Then go straight for your stem and nip it right in the bud!

**Audrey II:**

Good Heavens, look; it's nearly Suppertime!

I can spare a few minutes, though, so let me bust a rhyme:

If you go by "Poison Ivy", you can call me "Hemlock".

You say I'm a bad seed? Well, no shit, Sherlock!

Trying to dishearten me based on any moral grounds

Is like attempting the same with a certain psycho clown!

We're on a world tour; you can't even take a single city.

Ha! Say that ain't fair? Well, guess what: tough titty!

I'm a mean, green mother with a mother of a brain,

Wilting your ass like my name was Bruce Wayne!

You're looking at the REAL deal, not the shit cartoon version!

And before you diss me about that, remember: Uma Thurman.

Of all villainous vegetations, I'm not just in the Four Tops;

I'm **THE** all–time number–one pick of the crop!

You're dealing with the pinnacle of flowering phylums,

From whose ravenousness there is no Arkham Asylum!

I've trained with Yoda and Corman; you can't beat me!

You've ditched your blood for chlorophyll; you can't even FEED ME!

You'll Woodrue the day you messed with this plant.

"Independent"? You rely on what's in stupid jerks' pants!

You'd be nothing without your fancy pheromones and boobs.

My _words_ were all _I_ needed to grow bigger than hula–hoops!

I'll stick my tendrils up your nose and give you a lobotomy;

Then, you'll finally be one with the subject of your botany!

**Poison Ivy:**

This perverse, repugnant people–eater won't be so passionate

When nature's true agents render him and his _inanimate_!

Your kind may be immune to my usual toxicity,

But let's see how you fare when I power a whole infantry!

Unlike my namesake, I'll give you far more than a rash

When _my_ plant army rises and ends yours in a flash!

Come forth, my children, for there are monsters on our lawn,

And both your mothers, I and Mother Earth, demand that they begone!

Yes, blossom, my pretties! Grow For Me! BLOOM,

And instill these beasts with seven large rooms worth of gloom!

Once I've saved the world from you, I'll crown myself its queen,

Enslave mankind, and make our planet Absolutely Green!

**Audrey II:**

Woah, there; slow down and hold the phone, girl.

If you really think you'll do all that, you're in a different world!

I'm a monster, alright, but are you really all that different?

There's a major distinction between normal plants and mutants!

For every ten of your pea shooters, I can make a million spores.

Say you'll save your precious planet? Well, I say UP YOURS!

Look around, and you'll see that my offspring are flourishing

While your kinds, both of them are dying and perishing,

So give it up; it's all over! And by the by,

Turns out "The Meek Shall Inherit" actually _was_ a lie!

Mwha–Ha–Ha! And if you think we're having Some Fun Now,

Wait until I plow your bush with my hardwood bough!

_Heh. That's funny because your "bough" is like a penis._

**Audrey II:** What the– …Who just had the gall to say that? You ain't supposed to spell out what a line like that means; if you have to explain a joke, there is no joke!

_Oh, there's a joke here, alright…_

**Harley Quinn:**

…But _I'm_ the one delivering its punchline, Twooey!

This time, the joke's on you, 'cause when it comes to Ivy,

I'm the only one who gets to make it past second base,

Just like offing the Bat is reserved for Mr. J,

Whose apprentice doesn't need his help to help this green–thumbed chemist

Put a sound stop to this vaguely–racist alien menace!

Catwoman? Pfffft. We're the essential Gotham Girls.

Find somewhere else to terrorize; we've got dibs on this world!

I'll end you more abruptly than Aaron Eckhart's Two–Face,

Then play you off on my kazoo with "Amazing Grace".

And once this Dark Knight's over, and I've made mulch out of you,

Maybe then I'll get the cred it takes to make my film debut!

Screw "Suppertime"; it's HAMMERTIME!

I may be just a hench–wench to the Clown Prince of Crime,

But in villain terms, that's like directly serving GOD.

I'm going full–psycho–mode like it's _Suicide Squad_!

What you call your "hardwood bough", I call a "very small subpoena",

Which I'll salvage from your remains to serve to my hyenas!

Vroom–vroom!; I'll run you through just like my name was Davidson!

But first, let's do some dental work on that jagged, rotten grin;

Keep your trap wide open, and be sure to say "Aaaahh!"

As I straighten out that big ol' smile with this here _bazooka_!

_(Harley fires her bazooka; the rocket flies straight into Audrey II's gaping Pac–Man mouth as the monster doesn't seem to make any attempt to close it or otherwise dodge.)_

**Audrey II:** Ha, was that supposed to blow me up? Supposed to make me explode in mid se- _(*EXPLODES*)_

**Harley Quinn:** Holy crap, I actually did it! Mr. J's gonna be so proud…

**Poison Ivy:** Um… I hate to burst your bubble, but there are still, like, a hundred more of those things stomping around!

**Harley Quinn:** Oh… right… This might take a while. Wait, do we have to do that rap battle thing with each one?

**Poison Ivy:** Wait, just try using that bazooka again.

**Harley Quinn:** Okay then, here goes nothing…

_(She fires several rockets, and several Audrey II's are shown exploding)_

Um… I think that'll do it!

**EPILOGUE:** _(Shown as a slideshow)_

_Both Poison Ivy's plant army and Harley Quinn's breakthrough discovery of the Audrey IIs' weakness to internal explosions (which, implausibly enough, but not all that much more implausibly than the Audrey IIs' being able to rise to power in the first place) contributed greatly to the eventual destruction of all the remaining Audrey IIs. Following this, Poison Ivy turned her minions on the human population, with the intention of subjugating, rather than eating or otherwise killing, most. She ultimately conquered most of the Western Hemisphere… only to be overthrown by Batman a short time later. When asked why he was not present during the main war against the Audrey IIs, Batman simply replied "I'm Batman.", punched the reporter and disappeared with a smoke bomb._

**WELL… THAT WAS ELABORATE TO A POSSIBLY NEEDLESS DEGREE.**

**WHO WON?**

**WHO'S NEXT?**

**I DECIDE!**

**MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!**


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